THE instructions had been quite clear. "Gabriel needs to be washed, ironed and returned by Thursday. Parent to provide white tights and ballet shoes". Oh, crap. It's Nativity time again and I've forgotten to return the costume to the nursery. I already have a black mark against my name after losing one of Ben the Bear's socks, but to cock up the Nativity rehearsals is a crime punishable by listening to Jedward on a loop for Vacheron Constantin Watches all eternity.
However competent you might consider yourself to be, the run-up to Christmas is a time when even the most diligent mother is likely to find herself sat in the corner wearing a dunce's hat. High- flying lawyer? Captain of industry? No matter: if your cupcakes taste rubbish, you are scum.
I might be a chronic baker but at least I'm not pushy. For if Nativity season is a stressful time for parents, it's even worse for teachers. Every year my sister-in-law, who teaches eight-year-olds, has at least one visit from an irate parent demanding to know why their daughter hasn't been given the part of Mary.
As someone whose acting career never moved beyond baa-ing -- I was habitually cast as a sheep -- I had low aspirations for my daughter and was shocked to find her playing Gabriel. Watch out, Kate Winslet! I'm joking.
Extra Strap Replica WatchStill, her nanny wanted her to be Mary. "What is it with Mary? Gabriel gets the most lines," my husband said, with an assurance that can only come from having watched numerous Gabriels from the sidelines as Third Shepherd.
Last year's Nativity was my first one as a parent. We stumbled along to the venue, arriving a little early, to find a large queue had already formed outside.
When the doors opened, the scrum to get inside was as restrained as a shoal of teenagers at a Jordan book signing.
Everybody had a state-of-the-art video camera. One parent actually mounted the stage to get a close-up of his little angel. Occasionally the story of Jesus's birth was interrupted by the squawk of a mobile phone. As I scanned the assembled parents, half of whom were in suits, I couldn't help but wonder what they had told their employers. Had they feigned swine flu, or taken a half day? Is your child's Nativity play a legitimate reason to bunk off work, or are you supposed to lie? Will attendance this year be down because of the recession? Fraught as Nativity season might be, I'm glad my daughter's nursery puts one on. In London, they seem to be an increasing rarity: I know of one school that's staging a festive version of The X Factor, and another that's putting on a fairy festival of modern dance, whatever the heck that is. Sometimes it's nice to feel as though you're in a Richard Curtis film -- if only once a year.
embroidered patches Occasionally the story of Jesus's birth was interrupted by the squawk of a mobile phone
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